This is an extension of the last post, I suppose, although I certainly didn't intend it to be when I decided to ramble a little.

I am realizing more and more that I do not mean as much, matter as much, to some people as I think I should, or thought I did. I suppose that's a risk one runs with online friendships, especially when one doesn't really know how to interact with people and never really knows what to say. I thought it would be easier for some reason to not have to interact in person. Sometimes it is. Especially when things remain trivial and superficial. But I have a tendency to imagine connections that just aren't there.

For the most part it's nothing big, and I'm sure those in question don't realize how I feel. Mostly because of that bottom line. I'm a casual friend at best, and it doesn't seem to occur to them to think of me otherwise. And let's be honest - I am incapable of trusting them, of really letting them in, so it is probably, on the whole, for the best.

apanthropy

1. A strong preference for solitude.
2. A kind of melancholy characterized by a dislike for human society.

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."

― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

dilemmas, i have them

First, I am sincerely perplexed by something my brother told me yesterday. He has a friend S. I can't remember if he was actually Dave's companion or just in his mission area. I'm pretty sure they at least did splits, but it's not really relevant. Point is, they've been friends since their mission. I don't know what it is about S, but he's been my favorite of Dave's friends. I know he went through a rough spot awhile back, I have the impression he's doing better, but I don't know any details. I'm not entirely sure I would recognize him if I passed him on the street (but that's my own issue - I honestly don't retain faces right away and it takes several times seeing someone before I remember what they look like) but I think about him and worry a little and hope he's happy.

Well, yesterday, in the course of a text conversation, Dave said S always asks about me. It was said in such a casual way that clearly it's a part of Dave's relationship with S, so common that he doesn't even think about it any more. When I said something about it, Dave said again that S always asks about me specifically, that I'm the only one he specifically asks about. I told Dave that S has always been my favorite of his friends and Dave said the feeling is mutual.

Wow, this is an awkward post. Anyway. I don't know how to process that. I don't consider myself all that likeable, much less memorable, and I don't understand why someone I've only met a few times and haven't talked to all the much (which, I don't know how to talk to people, but that's a separate issue) clearly feels that same weird connection that I do. I don't know. *hands*

My other dilemma shouldn't even be an issue. I could easily get $50,000 within the next 6-8 months, but I would have to flat out lie to do it. The chances of getting caught are slim to none. The chances of being punished if I were caught are even less. I'm starting to seriously consider filing for bankruptcy even though I've always considered that to be absolutely abhorrent. It feels like cheating, even though I know for some people it's their only and best option. I'm starting to think it might be my best option, and $50k would fix it. What's the price of integrity? I know people will claim "their" $50k with the same lie I could tell. It feels unfair that doing the right thing might screw me over. I don't know why I'm even struggling with this, because I know I won't do it, but it kind of scares me how much I want to.

I feel irrelevant. It doesn't upset me as much as I think it should.

I'm so disgusted with our president and his party's leaders. In the Twitter townhall, he was asked what he would have done differently to address the recession and he said he would have made more effort to make sure the people understood it would take awhile to fix. Because yeah, that is the problem. The people are so stupid that you weren't able to make them understand your genius plan! It's not because, oh, I don't know - the bigger the government the LOWER the quality of life, the LOWER the effectiveness of its economy, the LOWER the freedom of its people. It's not that you've taxed and regulated businesses to the point that it's more cost-effective to move operations to countries where they can actually run the business. It's not because 51% of people pay NO taxes whatsoever, and the richest people you keep trying to tax find more and more shelters and loopholes the higher their taxes. No. You're denying quantifiable facts, provable facts, and WE are the stupid ones. Newsflash, you dick, your plan ISN'T WORKING.

And Nancy Pelosi! She had the utter gall to smirk at reporters as she drawled that we have reached day 185 of no jobs bill from the GOP controlled House, when we have also reached day EIGHT HUNDRED of no budget proposal whatsoever, which includes time when both the House and Senate were under Democrat control and they could have passed any kind of budget - tax increases and spending increases galore - and FAILED TO DO SO. And when asked recently, Harry Reid said he thought it would IRRESPONSIBLE of the Democrats to propose a budget at this time. Seriously?!? You jump all over Paul Ryan, subject him to any number of personal attacks, accuse him of trying to kill old people because he wants to OH NOES balance the budget and save Medicare, and you fail fail fail EVERY DAY to even propose a budget of your own!

Side note: It is NOT the responsibility of the government to create jobs. That is the responsibility of the private sector, which can actually provide sustainable long-term employment. The GOP understands this. It also understands that it cost $278 million for every job "created" by the stimulus package (which package, incidentally, also paid for the genius program where the US government sold assault weapons to Mexican drug cartels - because nothing could possibly go wrong there, right?). It's actually a good thing the House isn't trying to "create" jobs, Nancy. If you lived in any universe even remotely connected to reality you might understand that.



Never has that been more true. Speaker Boehner said today that we have three problems - a tax problem, a spending problem and a jobs problem. Those three are merely symptoms of our three real problems: a Pelosi problem, a Reid problem and an Obama problem.