dilemmas, i have them

First, I am sincerely perplexed by something my brother told me yesterday. He has a friend S. I can't remember if he was actually Dave's companion or just in his mission area. I'm pretty sure they at least did splits, but it's not really relevant. Point is, they've been friends since their mission. I don't know what it is about S, but he's been my favorite of Dave's friends. I know he went through a rough spot awhile back, I have the impression he's doing better, but I don't know any details. I'm not entirely sure I would recognize him if I passed him on the street (but that's my own issue - I honestly don't retain faces right away and it takes several times seeing someone before I remember what they look like) but I think about him and worry a little and hope he's happy.

Well, yesterday, in the course of a text conversation, Dave said S always asks about me. It was said in such a casual way that clearly it's a part of Dave's relationship with S, so common that he doesn't even think about it any more. When I said something about it, Dave said again that S always asks about me specifically, that I'm the only one he specifically asks about. I told Dave that S has always been my favorite of his friends and Dave said the feeling is mutual.

Wow, this is an awkward post. Anyway. I don't know how to process that. I don't consider myself all that likeable, much less memorable, and I don't understand why someone I've only met a few times and haven't talked to all the much (which, I don't know how to talk to people, but that's a separate issue) clearly feels that same weird connection that I do. I don't know. *hands*

My other dilemma shouldn't even be an issue. I could easily get $50,000 within the next 6-8 months, but I would have to flat out lie to do it. The chances of getting caught are slim to none. The chances of being punished if I were caught are even less. I'm starting to seriously consider filing for bankruptcy even though I've always considered that to be absolutely abhorrent. It feels like cheating, even though I know for some people it's their only and best option. I'm starting to think it might be my best option, and $50k would fix it. What's the price of integrity? I know people will claim "their" $50k with the same lie I could tell. It feels unfair that doing the right thing might screw me over. I don't know why I'm even struggling with this, because I know I won't do it, but it kind of scares me how much I want to.

I feel irrelevant. It doesn't upset me as much as I think it should.