This is an extension of the last post, I suppose, although I certainly didn't intend it to be when I decided to ramble a little.
I am realizing more and more that I do not mean as much, matter as much, to some people as I think I should, or thought I did. I suppose that's a risk one runs with online friendships, especially when one doesn't really know how to interact with people and never really knows what to say. I thought it would be easier for some reason to not have to interact in person. Sometimes it is. Especially when things remain trivial and superficial. But I have a tendency to imagine connections that just aren't there.
For the most part it's nothing big, and I'm sure those in question don't realize how I feel. Mostly because of that bottom line. I'm a casual friend at best, and it doesn't seem to occur to them to think of me otherwise. And let's be honest - I am incapable of trusting them, of really letting them in, so it is probably, on the whole, for the best.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
dilemmas, i have them
First, I am sincerely perplexed by something my brother told me yesterday. He has a friend S. I can't remember if he was actually Dave's companion or just in his mission area. I'm pretty sure they at least did splits, but it's not really relevant. Point is, they've been friends since their mission. I don't know what it is about S, but he's been my favorite of Dave's friends. I know he went through a rough spot awhile back, I have the impression he's doing better, but I don't know any details. I'm not entirely sure I would recognize him if I passed him on the street (but that's my own issue - I honestly don't retain faces right away and it takes several times seeing someone before I remember what they look like) but I think about him and worry a little and hope he's happy.
Well, yesterday, in the course of a text conversation, Dave said S always asks about me. It was said in such a casual way that clearly it's a part of Dave's relationship with S, so common that he doesn't even think about it any more. When I said something about it, Dave said again that S always asks about me specifically, that I'm the only one he specifically asks about. I told Dave that S has always been my favorite of his friends and Dave said the feeling is mutual.
Wow, this is an awkward post. Anyway. I don't know how to process that. I don't consider myself all that likeable, much less memorable, and I don't understand why someone I've only met a few times and haven't talked to all the much (which, I don't know how to talk to people, but that's a separate issue) clearly feels that same weird connection that I do. I don't know. *hands*
My other dilemma shouldn't even be an issue. I could easily get $50,000 within the next 6-8 months, but I would have to flat out lie to do it. The chances of getting caught are slim to none. The chances of being punished if I were caught are even less. I'm starting to seriously consider filing for bankruptcy even though I've always considered that to be absolutely abhorrent. It feels like cheating, even though I know for some people it's their only and best option. I'm starting to think it might be my best option, and $50k would fix it. What's the price of integrity? I know people will claim "their" $50k with the same lie I could tell. It feels unfair that doing the right thing might screw me over. I don't know why I'm even struggling with this, because I know I won't do it, but it kind of scares me how much I want to.
Well, yesterday, in the course of a text conversation, Dave said S always asks about me. It was said in such a casual way that clearly it's a part of Dave's relationship with S, so common that he doesn't even think about it any more. When I said something about it, Dave said again that S always asks about me specifically, that I'm the only one he specifically asks about. I told Dave that S has always been my favorite of his friends and Dave said the feeling is mutual.
Wow, this is an awkward post. Anyway. I don't know how to process that. I don't consider myself all that likeable, much less memorable, and I don't understand why someone I've only met a few times and haven't talked to all the much (which, I don't know how to talk to people, but that's a separate issue) clearly feels that same weird connection that I do. I don't know. *hands*
My other dilemma shouldn't even be an issue. I could easily get $50,000 within the next 6-8 months, but I would have to flat out lie to do it. The chances of getting caught are slim to none. The chances of being punished if I were caught are even less. I'm starting to seriously consider filing for bankruptcy even though I've always considered that to be absolutely abhorrent. It feels like cheating, even though I know for some people it's their only and best option. I'm starting to think it might be my best option, and $50k would fix it. What's the price of integrity? I know people will claim "their" $50k with the same lie I could tell. It feels unfair that doing the right thing might screw me over. I don't know why I'm even struggling with this, because I know I won't do it, but it kind of scares me how much I want to.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
I'm so disgusted with our president and his party's leaders. In the Twitter townhall, he was asked what he would have done differently to address the recession and he said he would have made more effort to make sure the people understood it would take awhile to fix. Because yeah, that is the problem. The people are so stupid that you weren't able to make them understand your genius plan! It's not because, oh, I don't know - the bigger the government the LOWER the quality of life, the LOWER the effectiveness of its economy, the LOWER the freedom of its people. It's not that you've taxed and regulated businesses to the point that it's more cost-effective to move operations to countries where they can actually run the business. It's not because 51% of people pay NO taxes whatsoever, and the richest people you keep trying to tax find more and more shelters and loopholes the higher their taxes. No. You're denying quantifiable facts, provable facts, and WE are the stupid ones. Newsflash, you dick, your plan ISN'T WORKING.
And Nancy Pelosi! She had the utter gall to smirk at reporters as she drawled that we have reached day 185 of no jobs bill from the GOP controlled House, when we have also reached day EIGHT HUNDRED of no budget proposal whatsoever, which includes time when both the House and Senate were under Democrat control and they could have passed any kind of budget - tax increases and spending increases galore - and FAILED TO DO SO. And when asked recently, Harry Reid said he thought it would IRRESPONSIBLE of the Democrats to propose a budget at this time. Seriously?!? You jump all over Paul Ryan, subject him to any number of personal attacks, accuse him of trying to kill old people because he wants to OH NOES balance the budget and save Medicare, and you fail fail fail EVERY DAY to even propose a budget of your own!
Side note: It is NOT the responsibility of the government to create jobs. That is the responsibility of the private sector, which can actually provide sustainable long-term employment. The GOP understands this. It also understands that it cost $278 million for every job "created" by the stimulus package (which package, incidentally, also paid for the genius program where the US government sold assault weapons to Mexican drug cartels - because nothing could possibly go wrong there, right?). It's actually a good thing the House isn't trying to "create" jobs, Nancy. If you lived in any universe even remotely connected to reality you might understand that.
Never has that been more true. Speaker Boehner said today that we have three problems - a tax problem, a spending problem and a jobs problem. Those three are merely symptoms of our three real problems: a Pelosi problem, a Reid problem and an Obama problem.
And Nancy Pelosi! She had the utter gall to smirk at reporters as she drawled that we have reached day 185 of no jobs bill from the GOP controlled House, when we have also reached day EIGHT HUNDRED of no budget proposal whatsoever, which includes time when both the House and Senate were under Democrat control and they could have passed any kind of budget - tax increases and spending increases galore - and FAILED TO DO SO. And when asked recently, Harry Reid said he thought it would IRRESPONSIBLE of the Democrats to propose a budget at this time. Seriously?!? You jump all over Paul Ryan, subject him to any number of personal attacks, accuse him of trying to kill old people because he wants to OH NOES balance the budget and save Medicare, and you fail fail fail EVERY DAY to even propose a budget of your own!
Side note: It is NOT the responsibility of the government to create jobs. That is the responsibility of the private sector, which can actually provide sustainable long-term employment. The GOP understands this. It also understands that it cost $278 million for every job "created" by the stimulus package (which package, incidentally, also paid for the genius program where the US government sold assault weapons to Mexican drug cartels - because nothing could possibly go wrong there, right?). It's actually a good thing the House isn't trying to "create" jobs, Nancy. If you lived in any universe even remotely connected to reality you might understand that.
Never has that been more true. Speaker Boehner said today that we have three problems - a tax problem, a spending problem and a jobs problem. Those three are merely symptoms of our three real problems: a Pelosi problem, a Reid problem and an Obama problem.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Yeah, no. No, no, no. You are the Primary president, not Queen of the Ward. Just because I'm "only" the ward music director doesn't mean that I am retarded or "less" in any way. You cannot - CANNOT - continue to do end-runs around me to get the Primary kids singing in Sacrament meeting and then brush me off like I'm a Sunbeam trying to sit at the adult table when I call you on it. I am more than happy to have other things going on than interminable intermediate hymns, believe me, but just ask me. Do NOT inform me that I will be notified if the grown-ups decide to have the kids sing. Sacrament meeting music is MY responsibility, just like all the ankle-biters are yours. This makes the third month in a row for both the end-run and the Primary number. I will not let you steamroll me. Quiet does not in any way mean spineless.
RAR.
RAR.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The most disgusting bug I have ever seen tried to crawl in under the front door last night. I don't even know what it was.
Oliver wouldn't stop scratching at the door, so I went to see what his problem was and could see feelers of some kind twitching in under the door, which does not fit right in the frame. It creeped me out, a lot. I went and got the Raid, which is supposed to keep things out of the house and which I had sprayed liberally around the front door a few weeks ago. Then I opened the door, and this thing fell in. It looked like a worm with spikes, and it was writhing.
Oliver was fascinated. I was less so. I sprayed the threshold a lot and sprayed the thing and then I used the ice scraper sitting by the front door (don't ask) to fling the thing a good four or five feet. UGH GROSS ICK BLECH
I need a new door that fits. Of course, I need a new lots of things and have no money for any of it, so it all has to wait. In the meantime, I need a thicker kind of tape for my makeshift seal on the bottom of the front door. Maybe a cute color of duct tape. Oliver claws through the packing tape I use now.
Oliver wouldn't stop scratching at the door, so I went to see what his problem was and could see feelers of some kind twitching in under the door, which does not fit right in the frame. It creeped me out, a lot. I went and got the Raid, which is supposed to keep things out of the house and which I had sprayed liberally around the front door a few weeks ago. Then I opened the door, and this thing fell in. It looked like a worm with spikes, and it was writhing.
Oliver was fascinated. I was less so. I sprayed the threshold a lot and sprayed the thing and then I used the ice scraper sitting by the front door (don't ask) to fling the thing a good four or five feet. UGH GROSS ICK BLECH
I need a new door that fits. Of course, I need a new lots of things and have no money for any of it, so it all has to wait. In the meantime, I need a thicker kind of tape for my makeshift seal on the bottom of the front door. Maybe a cute color of duct tape. Oliver claws through the packing tape I use now.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
I'm pretty sure I went to high school with boys like these guys...
I did hit the top 20. I did not win. Also, this blog is really bland. Too much blue.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
This
plus this
equals this
SIGH. Unbelievably, there is minimal damage. There's a dent just above the tire and the sideview mirror frame is scraped. There's a minuscule ding in the driver's door and a wee scrape on the windshield. Also, there was no mail in the cage so nothing got lost, no one was hurt and no other vehicles were damaged. It could have been a lot worse. And the post office will pay to get it fixed, which I don't expect to cost a huge amount since the damage is so minor. Still, I have to go get three estimates and then wait for them to approve it, and then clean out my car so I'm not mortified to take it in to get fixed, and then actually get it fixed. It's a hassle.
So there's that, and also I see a root canal in my immediate future, given the excruciating pain that comes and goes in my teeth. And today I caught my high heels on a step at church and went down. Not hard, and I came away with a bad scrape on my elbow (eww carpet burn) and one on the top of my left foot.
This is not my week.
plus thisequals this
SIGH. Unbelievably, there is minimal damage. There's a dent just above the tire and the sideview mirror frame is scraped. There's a minuscule ding in the driver's door and a wee scrape on the windshield. Also, there was no mail in the cage so nothing got lost, no one was hurt and no other vehicles were damaged. It could have been a lot worse. And the post office will pay to get it fixed, which I don't expect to cost a huge amount since the damage is so minor. Still, I have to go get three estimates and then wait for them to approve it, and then clean out my car so I'm not mortified to take it in to get fixed, and then actually get it fixed. It's a hassle.
So there's that, and also I see a root canal in my immediate future, given the excruciating pain that comes and goes in my teeth. And today I caught my high heels on a step at church and went down. Not hard, and I came away with a bad scrape on my elbow (eww carpet burn) and one on the top of my left foot.
This is not my week.
Monday, March 28, 2011
It's after 1:30 am and I'm still awake, recording samples to make a demo CD that will hopefully lead to another job. Which could mean moving to Michigan, I don't know. I've got some good ones so far, and hopefully these last few won't sound as though I'm half-asleep. Or drugged.
I spent most of last week home in my PJs. It was wonderful, and going back to work yesterday (well, Saturday) was one of the hardest things I've done in quite awhile. Fortunately I don't go back until Tuesday. Fortunately I'm on my favorite route all week. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with the laziness, and the excuses, and the passive aggressive bullshit. The attitude that "hey, since my job is secure, I don't have to actually do anything. I'll do the absolute least amount of work I can possibly get away with." We seriously have two guys there who are essentially being paid to stand around and drink coffee or energy drinks all day, in between their breaks and lunch. It's ludicrous. And no one cares, because there's nothing anyone can (or will) do about it. I wasn't raised to be that way. I watched my dad's hard work growing up. I learned that if you're going to do something, do your best and do it right. I learned that anything less than a full day's work for a full day's pay is dishonest. When I left the house to go to work, my dad would always say "be a hard worker". And I've managed to fall into an industry where the union has created an environment that fosters the exact opposite attitude. And it frustrates me no end.
The postmaster loves me. Probably in part because I actually work hard and do my job. He also seems to get a kick out of my sarcasm and snark, but that's a different story. He made me promise to stay until he retires. In 2016. He said once that if he ever transferred I was going with him. I started in a different office years ago, and after I had quit to finish my degree (it's impossible to get a history degree with a full-time day job) my boss up north hired my brother because he was my brother. And because he had learned from our parents to be a hard worker, he didn't let me down. My boss told my dad once that if any of his other kids needed a job, he'd love to hire them. Because of my work ethic, and my brother's work ethic.
I went back to the post office after graduating. When I put in for a transfer, the postmaster called that old boss because he knew from my records where I'd worked, and the two of them were friends. He said "Tell me about this Joslyn - should I take her on?" My boss said - direct quote - "Oh hell yes!"
Two of the greatest - possibly the greatest - compliments I've ever received. And now I'm working with union people who go out of their way - and frequently create more work for themselves in the process - just to not do their jobs completely or correctly.
It's driving me crazy. I tell my few friends there at work that this job has broken my give-a-damn. I wish that were actually true. I'm getting there.
I spent most of last week home in my PJs. It was wonderful, and going back to work yesterday (well, Saturday) was one of the hardest things I've done in quite awhile. Fortunately I don't go back until Tuesday. Fortunately I'm on my favorite route all week. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with the laziness, and the excuses, and the passive aggressive bullshit. The attitude that "hey, since my job is secure, I don't have to actually do anything. I'll do the absolute least amount of work I can possibly get away with." We seriously have two guys there who are essentially being paid to stand around and drink coffee or energy drinks all day, in between their breaks and lunch. It's ludicrous. And no one cares, because there's nothing anyone can (or will) do about it. I wasn't raised to be that way. I watched my dad's hard work growing up. I learned that if you're going to do something, do your best and do it right. I learned that anything less than a full day's work for a full day's pay is dishonest. When I left the house to go to work, my dad would always say "be a hard worker". And I've managed to fall into an industry where the union has created an environment that fosters the exact opposite attitude. And it frustrates me no end.
The postmaster loves me. Probably in part because I actually work hard and do my job. He also seems to get a kick out of my sarcasm and snark, but that's a different story. He made me promise to stay until he retires. In 2016. He said once that if he ever transferred I was going with him. I started in a different office years ago, and after I had quit to finish my degree (it's impossible to get a history degree with a full-time day job) my boss up north hired my brother because he was my brother. And because he had learned from our parents to be a hard worker, he didn't let me down. My boss told my dad once that if any of his other kids needed a job, he'd love to hire them. Because of my work ethic, and my brother's work ethic.
I went back to the post office after graduating. When I put in for a transfer, the postmaster called that old boss because he knew from my records where I'd worked, and the two of them were friends. He said "Tell me about this Joslyn - should I take her on?" My boss said - direct quote - "Oh hell yes!"
Two of the greatest - possibly the greatest - compliments I've ever received. And now I'm working with union people who go out of their way - and frequently create more work for themselves in the process - just to not do their jobs completely or correctly.
It's driving me crazy. I tell my few friends there at work that this job has broken my give-a-damn. I wish that were actually true. I'm getting there.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Mom wants me to wait and have my surgery the first week of April. She has time off work then, and can come down and help me. And, no. I love Mom, I really do, and I know she loves me and wants to help, and I know she's worried about this operation (although I'm not sure why she's as worried as she seems to be) and she's welcome in my home any time, but she's not welcome to clean it. And she's not welcome to make comments about it. And there's not going to be a lot for her to do, and she'll get bored, and clean even after I've explicitly told her no. And besides, I don't want to wait that long because my hand is numb!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
your prison is walking through this world all alone
I don't care what anyone says. Life is a two-man job.
Monday, January 17, 2011
better late than never, true, but is half-assed really better than not at all?
I had sort of a random thought last month. I do a lot of whining and focusing on the negative things in my life, and have been encouraged to do a gratitude journal, or even a gratitude list. And I have this blog that I don't post in often, so I thought I could make this a gratitude journal of sorts. I told myself I would post everyday, and not just rattle off a list of things, but choose one thing and talk about it a little. It was going to start on the 1st; it would be my New Year's resolution.
Yeah, not so much.
Instead, I'm going to try to hit something at least once a week. If I do more than that, then more power to me.
So this week, it's my Dad. I'm going through a fair-size disaster entirely of my own making, and instead of reminding me it's my own fault, or being disappointed in me, he has just quietly and matter-of-factly stepped up to help me fix it. His attitude has helped me focus on what I can and need to do instead of wallowing in how incredibly stupid the choices I've made have been. I'm very blessed to be his daughter.
Yeah, not so much.
Instead, I'm going to try to hit something at least once a week. If I do more than that, then more power to me.
So this week, it's my Dad. I'm going through a fair-size disaster entirely of my own making, and instead of reminding me it's my own fault, or being disappointed in me, he has just quietly and matter-of-factly stepped up to help me fix it. His attitude has helped me focus on what I can and need to do instead of wallowing in how incredibly stupid the choices I've made have been. I'm very blessed to be his daughter.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I finished my course of antibiotics just in time to start one of steroids. Plus I'm having a nerve conduction test Thursday. That's in addition to the standard chronic headache (which the steroids are an attempt to kick) and the severe back/hip pain I have to walk off every morning.
I want to trade this one in for a newer model. Or at least for one that isn't falling apart.
I want to trade this one in for a newer model. Or at least for one that isn't falling apart.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I always feel overwhelmed. To the point that I sometimes don't even notice it consciously anymore, beyond an increasingly stronger desire to never leave my house. I usually feel pretty stupid, too. I have never felt like such a complete and utter failure before, though. I thought I had, I really did, but no. Apparently not.
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